rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
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