Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
