I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
