So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
