Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
