just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
