Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
