i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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