I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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