ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I have tasted many bathrooms
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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