I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
