i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
