I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
