You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
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