I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I believe in your delicious
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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