sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
