I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize