Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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