So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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