you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
