we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
