Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Panties = found
Randomize
