Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
