Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
