how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
