im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
