He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
