I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
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