My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
