so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
