I murdered the dance floor call the cops
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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