I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
