I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize