went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
