Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
