Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I just had sex on a roof
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
