ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
