I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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