and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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