Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
