well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
