proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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