i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
