Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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