I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Ikea night.
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
