Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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