You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
