a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize