sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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