turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize