I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
So many bounce houses so little time
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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