There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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