I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
