This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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