I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
