I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
