awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
sarcasm needs its own font
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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